KawaiiDay

I remember the day we met. We were little kids. I was stupid and trying to catch a lizard I'd never have the reflexes to capture. You stood there mesmerized by a tomboy making a total fool of herself. After a moment I noticed you and smiled. I hadn't thought about the fact you were cute. Just the fact that I wanted to catch a lizard. I was determined and that overpowered a lot of other things.

So I decided to ask for your help. After a few minutes of talking, we parted ways. It was the first time we would talk face to face and I didn't know what we had started. I was bitten by fire ants soon after taking your advice and I went back home to my birth place. You went on for a few years just like I did. After that summer, things got weird and things started to happen until we met again.

A thousand miles or so apart and years later, we played the same game on the same server and met again. This time I was interested, though burned badly by past relationships. I remember my heart pounding as I fell hard for you. I didn't know what would happen. I didn't realize how much it would a.

Now I proudly wear the sign for Pisces on my back. I celebrate your birthday every year without fail. My thoughts and dreams are constantly about you. My heart refuses to move on. My loyalties don't falter.

I went to your house on the last of my savings and a prayer. I flew alone, lied to everyone I knew, and tried to convince your Mom to see you. I nearly broke down in tears and begged her. But instead my pride held me in check. I wasn't going to be a grovelling child. I am a full grown woman who wanted to see the other half she swore she left behind years ago.

But when I look in the mirror at my back, I realize that I can't let it go. I touch the pendants around my neck and murmur about you when I'm scared. I pray for guidance and for your happiness. I only wanted to see you smile just once and not see that pain in your eyes anymore. The pain that everyone swears doesn't exist. But I can sense it. The lies, the false promises. I can feel it in the way you speak and are. I just know when it isn't you.

It's been months that I've had my eyes open. That I've fought to wake myself and stop lying. Stop the dreams and the lies to myself that I can move on. That I can let go. With each day my resolve grows stronger. The strength within me makes me want to stand and fight. To win back the love that I lost or finally move on. To see for myself what you've become and finally hear it from your lips before me that it is either finished or just beginning.

Is it so wrong just to want a conclusion? To want to know the truth about it all? To stand in front of you and hear it from you? Not through someone else or from an e-mail. I just want to hear it. See the look on your face as you tell me what is real and what is not. It infuriates me that it has to be this hard. That you can't just face me and tell me how you feel.

I've spent the last eight years in terror that you hated me for what happened. For what split us apart. I think that is what kept me from accepting you back into my life. That fear of you being spiteful. Hurting me for being stupid. The fear of you taking my heart and tearing it from my chest just like all the hurtful words before.

I remember trying so many times to talk to you. To make you understand that I still loved you. That I still wanted to stand by your side no matter what and to hear you tell me to forget about you. To move on and get over it. Each time I'd fall you'd tell me the same thing. But the one time when you tell me to come back, what am I supposed to do? Run to you when all of my memories scream trap? When all of your actions don't even make sense over the years?

I think my problem is that I don't listen to my heart. I wanted to pack my things, tell my Ex go to hell and disappear with you. Even if the consequences destroyed us. But I couldn't. Fear held me right there. Sense of duty and responsibility held me there. I feared he'd kill himself. That it would be my fault. That I would blame myself an let it hinder us.

But now I sit here crying myself to sleep at night thinking of you. Thinking of how close I was to seeing you and how much I wanted to scream out your name and make you come out and face me. It tears me apart inside to know I was thirty feet from you and all that separated us was two doors and your Mom.

I blame myself for not being stronger. For not seeing you sooner. For not doing a lot of things I should have had the strength to do. Yet I can't help it. I can't make myself love or hate on command. I just think I'm scared that if I let go of you now, I won't be able to love you again.

But I keep coming back to you even when I've damned you in my mind. Even when I've given up all hope for us, you somehow still exist in my heart. Like the flame that won't ever go out. And I realize this is ridiculous and stupid for some people, but it's real for me. I don't understand why this keeps happening.

I pretend to be that perfect girlfriend in the beginning. I fake who I am without even trying. I love all their quirks and charms, look over their flaws and try to be the girl of their dreams. But when I realize they aren't you, I drop the act and watch them walk out of my life. I watch the doors slam in my face and I find myself alone with my memories again. The only things that keep me comforted and alive in this cold cruel world.

After these last few months without any physical comfort, I've come to find myself quite alone. At first it drove me insane. I wanted to reach out to every scumbag for some kind of touch. Even the mere fact that they liked me and wanted me comforted me. But I grew tired of the games. It's been two months now without anyone to "love" me. And I feel my heart breaking. But I can't go back to that life of empty love and promises.

It was a pathetic and sad existence that I was trying to carve for myself. The happiness was short lived like a drug. It wasn't the real thing. Happiness is something you should naturally feel. Not have to work at to keep. We all have our ups and downs, but when my true emotions make the guys run, why should I bother? It's a game of masks and lies. Love isn't built on lies and false promises. I should have learned that by now from the best teachers out there.

I just wish that I could hear your voice tell me everything is going to be okay again. That life is going to get better and we're going to work towards a better tomorrow. For both of us. I'm just scared of the fall out. I can't lose you again. I think it would kill me.

But how do I tell every guy out there that I'm taken by a ghost from my past? One that isn't even in my present except in my heart? That I cry myself to sleep every night because I want you to smile for real. That I can tell you have the same hole in your chest just from a picture. That your heart is as broken as mine and your life as messed up. It's like we're truly soulmates or something.

If after eight years I can't let you go, can't we try again? I feel like I should enter a nunnery and wait in meditation for the day you walk through those doors.

As my twin sister tells me often, I'm boy crazy. But that's only a cover. I know that now. I'm just trying to hide from the pain this hole in my chest causes. The emptiness and the tears I keep shedding for you.

I'll wait forever if that's how long it takes. For all eternity. I promise. Because life isn't about sex or living it up. It's about happiness. And yes, I can be happy within myself. But I don't want to do it without you. I don't want to see anyone else beside me but you. Because it's a lie. That happiness and love is a lie.

The real happiness and love lies in your arms where I belong.

The AngelKitten and the Ferret.

The wind and fire.